I have difficulty letting go. I hold on to stuff whether or not it serves me. I keep it, even when I know these things are toxic, destructive, decaying. Over the past 3 weeks, I have been purging my closets (1 down, 2 to go...) but my pack rat tendencies are not limited to papers and ill fitting clothing. Deep down, I believe that if I let him go (and by "him" I mean any one of the poor matches I have kept long after our relationships have passed their expiration dates), I will never be coupled again. My fear that no one will ever love me keeps me linked to men who disrespect, dishonor, and disregard me.
As we come to the end of this year, I intend to take better care of myself by (1) entering into and more effectively maintaining healthy and happy relationships and (2) ending relationships that no longer serve me. It is my intention to be loving and caring to my friends, those who to whom my heart and spirit are connected in truth and respect. It is my primary intention to love, care for, and respect myself, particularly in relation to others.
The challenge is great, but I am confident that I can finally let go...
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Overcoming
For the past few days, I have been battling a funk. In its attempts to overcome me, this melancholy has manifested itself through anger, willfulness, sorrow, and despair. Seeing the light at the end of this long and narrow tunnel, I am ready to let it go, finally defeated and in past tense.
In order to do so, I must address my to do list:
1) Do some form of exercise every day (totaling at least 6 hours of cardio for the week);
2) Arrive early to my appointments this week;
3) Articulate myself clearly and completely when necessary;
4) Move toward my greatest good every day.
Back to back spinning classes yesterday (complete with fainting student), started me on the path. Tomorrow morning, I get back to the gym for cardio. I'm excited about all I will accomplish over the next five weeks!
In order to do so, I must address my to do list:
1) Do some form of exercise every day (totaling at least 6 hours of cardio for the week);
2) Arrive early to my appointments this week;
3) Articulate myself clearly and completely when necessary;
4) Move toward my greatest good every day.
Back to back spinning classes yesterday (complete with fainting student), started me on the path. Tomorrow morning, I get back to the gym for cardio. I'm excited about all I will accomplish over the next five weeks!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Inspiration Strikes...
I inhale the scent
Lingering on my pillowcase
And
While appreciating what he left behind
I long to feel
his breath kiss my cheek
his toes graze my calf
his leg shield my hip
Lingering on my pillowcase
And
While appreciating what he left behind
I long to feel
his breath kiss my cheek
his toes graze my calf
his leg shield my hip
his arm guard my spine
the comfort of his presence
the weight of our passion
the lightness of our humor
Us Together Again...
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I'm going down!
5 pounds lost...many more to go. Although the number is small, I am feeling stronger and lighter. It feels fantastic to actually accomplish a goal I've set for myself. There is much more work to do but I am certainly on my way.
I've decided to step out of my comfort zone. I might end up embarrassed or we might have fun. Since I don't want to live with any regrets, I'm going to go for it. Tomorrow... ;)
So, here's my first attempt at a meta statement:
May I become the woman I aspire to be by honoring and aligning my thoughts, words, actions and commitments.
I've decided to step out of my comfort zone. I might end up embarrassed or we might have fun. Since I don't want to live with any regrets, I'm going to go for it. Tomorrow... ;)
So, here's my first attempt at a meta statement:
May I become the woman I aspire to be by honoring and aligning my thoughts, words, actions and commitments.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
And I wake up alone...
I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm afraid.
Living in this purgatory, my confidence is low. I watch * publicize a new relationship and I grieve; not what was, but the wasted time, the dream unfulfilled. I suppress contempt as feel # reach for me while grieving the loss of his love and destruction of his family. I run away from $, reminding him that our goals differ too greatly but feeling supreme comfort and absolute protection when I am with him. I dance with @, anxious with anticipation, enjoying episodes in his space, allowing him inside of me but keeping him away from me by disappearing as the afterglow rises.
And I wake up alone. I hate it.
I think about all of the missed opportunities -- everything I left unsaid, every relationship I continued way past it's expiration date, every time I checked out instead of fighting hard. I feel like time is slipping away -- much, much, much too quickly. I want to walk forward, confidently and optimistically. But, I am consumed by the insecurity, the fear, the pain.
What must I do to get there? What changes must I make? How much longer must I wait?
Living in this purgatory, my confidence is low. I watch * publicize a new relationship and I grieve; not what was, but the wasted time, the dream unfulfilled. I suppress contempt as feel # reach for me while grieving the loss of his love and destruction of his family. I run away from $, reminding him that our goals differ too greatly but feeling supreme comfort and absolute protection when I am with him. I dance with @, anxious with anticipation, enjoying episodes in his space, allowing him inside of me but keeping him away from me by disappearing as the afterglow rises.
And I wake up alone. I hate it.
I think about all of the missed opportunities -- everything I left unsaid, every relationship I continued way past it's expiration date, every time I checked out instead of fighting hard. I feel like time is slipping away -- much, much, much too quickly. I want to walk forward, confidently and optimistically. But, I am consumed by the insecurity, the fear, the pain.
What must I do to get there? What changes must I make? How much longer must I wait?
Monday, October 11, 2010
I'm so tired of being alone...
As the rain fell, the hail beat the windows, and the thunder shook the frames, the loneliness set in. This longing is profound. I want to share my fears in an intimate space. I want to "find someone, to have my back and never do me wrong." I want to feel safe and secure when I'm in my man's presence, and especially when I am not.
Today, upon waking from a hibernation type sleep, I emerged pensive. I am considering the recent passing of a co-worker with whom I have been friendly. I am considering the men I have allowed into my space over the past five years. I am considering the times I silenced my intuition and went along for the ride. I have decided that it is time for a change.
No baby steps this time...it is time for my transformation.
Transformation requires the end of some relationships and redefinition of others -- at the foundation, my relationship with myself must be loving, accepting, and supportive. Transformation will be successfully achieved in a space of honesty and clarity -- the clutter (physical and psychic) must be purged. Transformation requires energy and strength -- insecurity, limitations and fear have no place.
I am ready for a real connection. I am ready to be vulnerable and honest. I am ready to give and receive a real love.
It's time to open up and let him find me...
Today, upon waking from a hibernation type sleep, I emerged pensive. I am considering the recent passing of a co-worker with whom I have been friendly. I am considering the men I have allowed into my space over the past five years. I am considering the times I silenced my intuition and went along for the ride. I have decided that it is time for a change.
No baby steps this time...it is time for my transformation.
Transformation requires the end of some relationships and redefinition of others -- at the foundation, my relationship with myself must be loving, accepting, and supportive. Transformation will be successfully achieved in a space of honesty and clarity -- the clutter (physical and psychic) must be purged. Transformation requires energy and strength -- insecurity, limitations and fear have no place.
I am ready for a real connection. I am ready to be vulnerable and honest. I am ready to give and receive a real love.
It's time to open up and let him find me...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
WTF?!?!?
With 90 days left in 2010, I decided to return to the gym. Not liking the way my body looks or feels, I knew it was way past time to get moving again. Before I started this evening's workout, I stepped on the scale. I weigh...wait for it...190 lbs!!! WTF?!?!? How the hell did I lose control and end up here? Sure, my clothes were tighter and the pouch under my navel was fuller but 190?!? I am shocked and amazed at myself.
I'm sad and frustrated. Most importantly, I'm angry. I am angry that I have allowed myself to swell up in this way. I am angry that I have allowed self-loathing to manifest itself. I am angry that I have held on to things that no longer serve me.
So, today was day 1. I did 30 minutes of interval training on the treadmill and took a kick ass spin class. I am already sore!
Tomorrow will be Insanity or Spinning in the AM. The next challenge will be the nutrition.
November 2 is the first milestone. The goal is to lose 1 clothing size.
So, I will be all about the fruits and salads, meal replacements, cardio and weight training.
I'll keep you posted!
I'm sad and frustrated. Most importantly, I'm angry. I am angry that I have allowed myself to swell up in this way. I am angry that I have allowed self-loathing to manifest itself. I am angry that I have held on to things that no longer serve me.
So, today was day 1. I did 30 minutes of interval training on the treadmill and took a kick ass spin class. I am already sore!
Tomorrow will be Insanity or Spinning in the AM. The next challenge will be the nutrition.
November 2 is the first milestone. The goal is to lose 1 clothing size.
So, I will be all about the fruits and salads, meal replacements, cardio and weight training.
I'll keep you posted!
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