RIP...

27 was a fantastic year for me.
I recall 27 as a year full of wonder and excitement.
Hearing that Amy Winehouse is dead, at 27, saddened me.  Clever songwriting and soulful singing...all gone for the past four years and is now gone, forever.

Was it strictly clinical?
Was it fear of her talent and all of the attention that came with it?
Was it just self-medication gone awry?
Or perhaps, some combination of them all...

The voice will live on...So sad that the person behind it fell so short of her potential...

Here's my Amy Winehouse tribute:

You make me feel like I am free again...

I remember hearing love songs -- songs of connection and longing and pain -- and never getting them.  Hearing the beauty of the lyrics or melodies but not feeling them.

Until now.

Now I understand.

He is my first thought when I wake up.
He is my last before I drift off.

He encourages me to be the best I can be AND he calls me out on my bullshit.

He gives me butterflies...

So this time, I'm living in the moment.  I'm not plotting our future or revising our past.  I'm not trying to make him into someone else.

I love him. 

And I am enjoying every single moment with him.  

Every single one.

Where there once was black and white, now its iridescent

It felt so good...being in his space and having him in mine.  So So good.

I felt comfortable and cozy and energized.  I didn't want to go and I didn't want him to leave.  I just wanted to chill with him as long I possibly could.

We had the talk.  He told me how the break up affected him.  I gave him the reasons why I left.  I shared my fears and my concerns at that time.  He told me about the women who came after me.  It wasn't easy but it really wasn't as difficult as I expected.  I wasn't afraid to be honest with him or ashamed to hear the truth.  

OK, it's out.  Now what?

I want to say that I don't want anything but to have him in my life in some way, shape, form but that would be a lie.  Up close, I want to feel that protection, experience that happiness, live in that light all the time.

He leaves in 6 hours for another month.  And he shared that he intends to continue to live his life and pursue his happiness with whomever he desires.  I accept that for now.  But, I am going to enjoy him (via text, phone call, smoke signal...) until he returns...

Where would I be if I didn't know you...

Last night, I had the opportunity to celebrate a milestone birthday with people I haven't seen in a long time.  I realized the importance of connection.  I remembered how much I love these people and how much I have missed them.  I recommitted my desire to be a good friend by getting and staying in touch.

It is difficult since it is my tendency to throw all of my energy into that which is right in front of me.  The lack of self esteem also contributes to the failure to properly maintain my relationships.

So last night, after a good time, I decided to do things differently.  I want to live a life with good and strong relationships.  In order to get that life, I have to nurture my relationships.  I'm ready to show up and do just that.

If you can't love yourself, how in the HELL you gon' love somebody else?

Self love is the foundation of love for others.
I have struggled with an ability to accept, respect, and love myself - primarily because of the way others have treated me.  I have allowed my decisions to be driven by the desires of those around me instead of the achievement of my greatest good.  I have identified a way to overcome the insecurity and the fear to just be myself - a bit much, a little different, next to normal.
But I continue to struggle.  The work continues to challenge me.  And I engage in the work, I remain silent when I should speak.  I suppress myself when I should stand out.
But each day gets a little better.  Each day I grow a bit more.  Each day I press forward.
And the love continues to grow...

Just one of them days...

Boundaries must be established.  The time has come for childish things to be put away...

Thankful...

I am grateful for my friends and loved ones for many reasons.  Today, as I consider what kind of friend I have been to others, I must express gratitude for those who:

• call me on my BS when I'm acting out of order;
• push / pull me out of my comfort zone when insecurity would keep me in a place of mediocrity;
• envelope me with gentle affection when I am abusing myself in thought, word, and deed;
• create a space of protection in a solution when my focus is on the danger of the problem;
• encourage me to remember who I am and what I can offer when my focus rests on who I am not and all that is missing.

I am prayerful that I can be that type of friend.  One who acts in honesty, trust, and honor rather than fear, insecurity, and lack.
Regardless of my current situation, it is my intent to live and love in this moment in word and in truth.
Ahhh, that felt good....

Why can't we go back in time...

After weeks of cautious outreach, tentative texts, and good conversations, we finally took the opportunity to hang out.  He chatted me up, telling me stories about his work (paid and volunteer), his hair, and his friends.  I told him about my work, my friends, and my family. We laughed for hours and hours.  I enjoyed his presence, very much.
Initially, I was scared.  But, somehow, I reclaimed the comfort we've always shared.
It felt really Good.  Right.  Peaceful.  Exciting. Comfortable.
Let's see how this all plays out...

Matchmaker, Matchmaker...

My friend is determined to make a love connection.  He has created a situation that will require communication between me and his chosen partner.  We are having lunch on Wednesday and I am excited.  I am afraid, however, that I won't intrigue him, that he is married or engaged, that he is gay or bisexual, that he won't be interested.  I am also afraid that all of my baggage - the incomplete relationships, the in/out, the insecurity, the fear - will prevent my ability to actually get to know someone new.
Meanwhile, the lonely keeps talking...keeps me linked to men who don't care about me, who don't respect me, who don't love me.  And I have to figure out how to open myself up to that which is good and eliminate all that is detrimental, eroding, painful...
I don't want anything less than the ultimate.  I want deserve absolute truth, supreme love, unspeakable joy.  And I am ready to give it and live it.  But I remain afraid...

Manifestation

My body continues to manifest the stress I am carrying.  From back to back cold sores, to a recurring sore throat, to a depigmented spot that has grown on my right cheek, my body is expressing its anger at my retention of the stress, drama, and angst around me.

So, how do I just let it all go and live in the moment?  How do I abandon my desire to control everything knowing that I possess the intelligence and experience necessary to make the right decisions at the right times?

I am coming to the realization that if when I focus on being true to myself in this moment, the drama, stress, and angst tend to fall away.  It is my challenge to maintain the focus and release the control; not only for the physical benefits (read: to fix my face) but for the spiritual strength I desire.

Some say love, it is a river...

While snowed in a couple of weeks ago, I spent some time surfing the OnDemand menu.  I found a Bette Midler special that was broadcast on HBO.  Bette, ever the show woman, gave a hell of a show.  At the halfway point, she sang one of my favorite songs, The Rose. 

I watched.  I listened.  I cried.

Heartbreaking yet inspirational, The Rose has always elicited high emotions within.  I realize that it is the bridge that reminds me that lower than my greatest good will cause me harm.  And just when that realization saddens me, I listen to the conclusion, reminding me that there is hope...that love is possible.

Here are the lyrics, for your enjoyment...

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

An endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

And you, its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It's the dream, afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed

That with the sun's love, in the spring

Becomes the rose

Restriction

I am given away my freedom.
My failure to exercise discipline has resulted in consequences that will correct past behavior.
I am not sad, nor am I angry. 
Over months of fear and apprehension, I have grown to appreciate the lesson learned and anticipate whatever good may come of this...

Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?

I think I am supposed to change.  I am supposed to grow / emerge / evolve.  It is not in my best interest to ignore all that I have experienced and learned to avoid risk and remain safe.

I have, over the past few weeks, stepped out of life-long patterns, and changed.  My changes have been slight, gradual, quiet.  They have been easy and fearless.  These changes feelsoundlooktaste good.

The next task is to determine who I want to be and align my thoughts and conduct with the values consistent with that character.  The changes require focus, courage, and fortitude.  Turns out I am much, much stronger than I thought.

I realize that I have the power to define myself for myself, without consultation or approval.  I shall exercise that power.  It is time to ease myself toward the most perfect me.

Friends: How many of us have them?

Yesterday, I went to the corner store, purchased a shovel, and battled the elements to dig my car out of the snow and ice that held it captive.  And I was angry the entire time I was out there.  I was angry because all three of the people I asked to dig my car out rebuffed me.  So-called friends didn't sugarcoat or avoid; they told me, "pay the money," and "I feel your pain," and "Nah, I can't do that..."

So, with 3 fewer contacts in my blackberry, I'm feeling lighter and clearer.  I am grateful that I have the physical and economic ability to do this for myself. 

Still, I must admit, it is tiresome to have to do all of this by myself...

Quote of the Day...

"No great thing is created suddenly.
There must be time.
Give your best and always be kind."

-- Epictectus

And we can be new...

I keep telling him I want to see him.  He doesn't address my request but tells me that he never expected to hear from me again and that this whole exchange is blowing his mind.

I don't know his story but I am intrigued.

So now, the challenge is to enjoy our exchanges in the moment -- without expectations, stress, or intentions.

The goal is to celebrate stepping out on courage to even reach out.

Truth is, our separation may have been for the best.  It is entirely possible that my desire to reconnect is based in fear and desperation.   But, if given the chance to let him in and to get to know who he is today, I will grab it, without hesitation, and see where it takes us.

We couldn't have the moon and the sky...

Ruminating...
Wondering, over and over and over again, when he'll FB message/call/text...
Knowing that too much time has passed, too many mistakes have been made, too much harm done...

I hope he is happy.  I hope he is in love with someone who is good to him and good for him.  I hope he is successful and content.

A part of me, however, hopes he is free and willing to take a chance on me us again.

Quote of the Day...

LOVE recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

- Dr. Maya Angelou

Having found this quote, I am inspired to continue to think positively, speak freely, and act courageously.  Dr. A's words encourage me to live without shame, fear, or pain -- confident in the fact that love is on its way...

I'm kinda psyched for what is to come. :) 

Small Victories

Today was a day of small victories:
(1) I finally took my baby to have his claws trimmed.  No more scratches for me, for now...
(2) I christened my le creuset stock pot... delicious chicken and rice, baby!
(3) I overcame my apprehension and reached out to an old friend.  Even though the outcome was not, I admit, what  I wanted, I am glad that there is reconnection (even if this is just the lonely talking again...).

It's all about now.  And today's "now"s were pretty darn great!

A self assessment...

I know I have a fickle heart

And a bitterness

And a wandering eye

And a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember

The reason you loved me...

Having checked one of my favorite blogs, I heard this lyric, sung by Adele... and it struck me.  I could have sung those lyrics about myself.

Even with that description, I remember being respected, accepted, supported and loved.  I remember that he loved me, in all of my insecure, over the top, square peg, extra-fabulousness.  So, I know that love is possible for me.  I believe it is coming for me.  I must remind myself, every time my heart grows weary, "This loneliness is temporary.  I will not love without fireworks and I will be patient until they appear."

Since I believe I am destined for that greatness, I refuse to accept any less.  I have decided to finally let go of the "friendships" that are other that what I know I deserve.

Self-awareness is required for the achievement of my goal of finding my "constant" -- my soul mate -- my life partner.  And I am learning to respect, accept, support, and love myself so that when he comes, he I will be my his perfect match...