Woman to Woman...

I expected it would happen one day.  I didn't know where or when but I knew the confrontation would take place.  It, at long last, has.  I feel a sense of relief and release.  The compassion I feel is overwhelming.  My heart hurts for her.  As I wade through my truth and hers, I try to reconcile it all with his.  It is impossible.  So now, through revelation, I have created a new reality.  Let's see how this plays out...

Do I take your hand or let go?

I can't help but smile when I hear his voice.  I am absolutely Rock Star gorgeous when he looks at me.  When I feel him, my heart is full and I am confident that he loves me.

When I don't feel him, I grieve.  I miss him like no other.  His absence hurts my heart and fills me with anger.

Life is complex, as are most people.  I know he loves another.  When he makes choices to act, I am often the last on his list.  I have no trust or confidence in him, his words, or intentions.  But, I cannot deny that I love him.  I love him.  I love him, like I have never loved before.

For a whole host of reasons, he is not the one.  There is nothing but the here and now with him and I want more.  I want a commitment.  I want to build a life based on a partnership.  I want a home and a family.  I want to wake up next to the man I love and rest knowing that he does and will love me.

I want to believe him.  I want to hold onto him. I want to trust him.  I want to build a future with him.  But my head screams, NO! NO! NO!

Do I take his hand?  Or do I let him go?

Opinions don't matter...

During a spirited conversation with a close friend, a thought came to me.  As we spoke about being constrained by the opinions and considerations of others and the impressions they may have about our decisions, it struck me that the beauty of being a woman in her late 30s (and beyond) is the freedom that comes with self-determination. I said to her, "The goal is to make decisions for yourself, by yourself, and without regard for anyone but yourself."  She asked me to write it down for her. It was a great mantra for me. That statement reminded me to release myself from the desire for approval and consultation.  It is my goal to live in the authority of self-awareness and self-confidence and to have the courage to exercise my intelligence and passion to create the present and the future I deserve and desire.

~~~~~>
I only read one horoscope and it is published weekly.  This horoscope, Free Will Astrology, is published in the Village Voice.  Whether or not the stars have inspired these thoughts, I think this sage advice will provide an opportunity for me to mature, emotionally as well as spiritually.

VIRGO [August 23–September 22] "Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all," said Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, and now I'm offering it for you to use. Try this experiment: For seven days, divest yourself of your opinions. And I mean all of them: opinions about politicians, celebrities, immigration reform, rockabilly music, your friends' choices in mates—everything. For this grace period, be utterly nonjudgmental and open-minded and tolerant. Allow everything to be exactly what it is without any need to wish it were otherwise. By experiment's end, you'll probably feel more relaxed than you have in a long time.

So, how do I put the snark and judgment on vacation for the week? 

I bet if I give all my love...

What would happen if I gave all my love to another person?  I mean, if I really gave ALL of my love to someone...    Would he love me the way I love him?  Would he treasure, value, and support me? Would he love me the way I need to be loved?  Would he inspire me to be the best woman I could be?

Like insanity and Hell, vulnerability absolutely terrifies me.  And, while articulating a desire to be in love and get coupled up, I have avoided vulnerability like the plague.  Without the courage to be vulnerable with another (let alone, truly honest with myself), I have engaged in relationships based on fear, insecurity, and desperation. Since the mistakes of my teens and early twenties, I have been trapped in a fear that has prevented me from taking the leap and falling in love.

I look at my past and fight the feelings of guilt and regret.  I have been loved, in spite of myself.  I wonder what might have been if I could have accepted that love and grown to give it back.   And now, I have to find the courage to live in this moment, be honest with my feelings, and create the space for a meaningful connection with another person.  How do I make that happen?

Talk is cheap...

So, as we're sitting, side by side, in silence, he says to me, "It's good that you're still tight."  With a snicker and eye roll, I respond, "Whatever.  As soon as I leave you, I'm going to take a spinning class..."  Without hesitation, he clamps his hand over my mouth and whispers in my ear, "Don't ever try to convince me that what I see isn't real.  Don't try to show me all of the things that you think are bad about yourself.  Let me tell you what I see.  Now, if you decide you want to do something, do it.  But, do not talk about all of the plans you have for things you are going to do.  That makes you sound like all of the other women out there.  And you are not those women.  You are so above that.  Just do what you are going to do.  Be who you are."
One of my greatest personal challenges is just doing what I say I'm going to do.  I do lots of things well.  Excellence is a different story.  My plans are well thought out, detailed, and always articulated with great fanfare.  Often times, however, they are abandoned within days of their debut.  I could give a ton of excuses for the reasons why.  Instead, I will pose a question:  What is necessary, internally and externally, for the successful achievement of one's goals?
There were other questions prompted by this conversation with an old friend I trust to be clear and honest and real with me.  As I recall this afternoon's exchange (which led to other much more riveting topics of conversation), I wonder: Why am I so quick to discuss my faults and downplay my skills?  How do I grow in the confidence and maturity required to simply accept a compliment with a thank you?