Friends: How many of us have them?

Yesterday, I went to the corner store, purchased a shovel, and battled the elements to dig my car out of the snow and ice that held it captive.  And I was angry the entire time I was out there.  I was angry because all three of the people I asked to dig my car out rebuffed me.  So-called friends didn't sugarcoat or avoid; they told me, "pay the money," and "I feel your pain," and "Nah, I can't do that..."

So, with 3 fewer contacts in my blackberry, I'm feeling lighter and clearer.  I am grateful that I have the physical and economic ability to do this for myself. 

Still, I must admit, it is tiresome to have to do all of this by myself...

Quote of the Day...

"No great thing is created suddenly.
There must be time.
Give your best and always be kind."

-- Epictectus

And we can be new...

I keep telling him I want to see him.  He doesn't address my request but tells me that he never expected to hear from me again and that this whole exchange is blowing his mind.

I don't know his story but I am intrigued.

So now, the challenge is to enjoy our exchanges in the moment -- without expectations, stress, or intentions.

The goal is to celebrate stepping out on courage to even reach out.

Truth is, our separation may have been for the best.  It is entirely possible that my desire to reconnect is based in fear and desperation.   But, if given the chance to let him in and to get to know who he is today, I will grab it, without hesitation, and see where it takes us.

We couldn't have the moon and the sky...

Ruminating...
Wondering, over and over and over again, when he'll FB message/call/text...
Knowing that too much time has passed, too many mistakes have been made, too much harm done...

I hope he is happy.  I hope he is in love with someone who is good to him and good for him.  I hope he is successful and content.

A part of me, however, hopes he is free and willing to take a chance on me us again.

Quote of the Day...

LOVE recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.

- Dr. Maya Angelou

Having found this quote, I am inspired to continue to think positively, speak freely, and act courageously.  Dr. A's words encourage me to live without shame, fear, or pain -- confident in the fact that love is on its way...

I'm kinda psyched for what is to come. :) 

Small Victories

Today was a day of small victories:
(1) I finally took my baby to have his claws trimmed.  No more scratches for me, for now...
(2) I christened my le creuset stock pot... delicious chicken and rice, baby!
(3) I overcame my apprehension and reached out to an old friend.  Even though the outcome was not, I admit, what  I wanted, I am glad that there is reconnection (even if this is just the lonely talking again...).

It's all about now.  And today's "now"s were pretty darn great!

A self assessment...

I know I have a fickle heart

And a bitterness

And a wandering eye

And a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember

The reason you loved me...

Having checked one of my favorite blogs, I heard this lyric, sung by Adele... and it struck me.  I could have sung those lyrics about myself.

Even with that description, I remember being respected, accepted, supported and loved.  I remember that he loved me, in all of my insecure, over the top, square peg, extra-fabulousness.  So, I know that love is possible for me.  I believe it is coming for me.  I must remind myself, every time my heart grows weary, "This loneliness is temporary.  I will not love without fireworks and I will be patient until they appear."

Since I believe I am destined for that greatness, I refuse to accept any less.  I have decided to finally let go of the "friendships" that are other that what I know I deserve.

Self-awareness is required for the achievement of my goal of finding my "constant" -- my soul mate -- my life partner.  And I am learning to respect, accept, support, and love myself so that when he comes, he I will be my his perfect match...