Where there once was black and white, now its iridescent

It felt so good...being in his space and having him in mine.  So So good.

I felt comfortable and cozy and energized.  I didn't want to go and I didn't want him to leave.  I just wanted to chill with him as long I possibly could.

We had the talk.  He told me how the break up affected him.  I gave him the reasons why I left.  I shared my fears and my concerns at that time.  He told me about the women who came after me.  It wasn't easy but it really wasn't as difficult as I expected.  I wasn't afraid to be honest with him or ashamed to hear the truth.  

OK, it's out.  Now what?

I want to say that I don't want anything but to have him in my life in some way, shape, form but that would be a lie.  Up close, I want to feel that protection, experience that happiness, live in that light all the time.

He leaves in 6 hours for another month.  And he shared that he intends to continue to live his life and pursue his happiness with whomever he desires.  I accept that for now.  But, I am going to enjoy him (via text, phone call, smoke signal...) until he returns...

Where would I be if I didn't know you...

Last night, I had the opportunity to celebrate a milestone birthday with people I haven't seen in a long time.  I realized the importance of connection.  I remembered how much I love these people and how much I have missed them.  I recommitted my desire to be a good friend by getting and staying in touch.

It is difficult since it is my tendency to throw all of my energy into that which is right in front of me.  The lack of self esteem also contributes to the failure to properly maintain my relationships.

So last night, after a good time, I decided to do things differently.  I want to live a life with good and strong relationships.  In order to get that life, I have to nurture my relationships.  I'm ready to show up and do just that.

If you can't love yourself, how in the HELL you gon' love somebody else?

Self love is the foundation of love for others.
I have struggled with an ability to accept, respect, and love myself - primarily because of the way others have treated me.  I have allowed my decisions to be driven by the desires of those around me instead of the achievement of my greatest good.  I have identified a way to overcome the insecurity and the fear to just be myself - a bit much, a little different, next to normal.
But I continue to struggle.  The work continues to challenge me.  And I engage in the work, I remain silent when I should speak.  I suppress myself when I should stand out.
But each day gets a little better.  Each day I grow a bit more.  Each day I press forward.
And the love continues to grow...

Just one of them days...

Boundaries must be established.  The time has come for childish things to be put away...

Thankful...

I am grateful for my friends and loved ones for many reasons.  Today, as I consider what kind of friend I have been to others, I must express gratitude for those who:

• call me on my BS when I'm acting out of order;
• push / pull me out of my comfort zone when insecurity would keep me in a place of mediocrity;
• envelope me with gentle affection when I am abusing myself in thought, word, and deed;
• create a space of protection in a solution when my focus is on the danger of the problem;
• encourage me to remember who I am and what I can offer when my focus rests on who I am not and all that is missing.

I am prayerful that I can be that type of friend.  One who acts in honesty, trust, and honor rather than fear, insecurity, and lack.
Regardless of my current situation, it is my intent to live and love in this moment in word and in truth.
Ahhh, that felt good....

Why can't we go back in time...

After weeks of cautious outreach, tentative texts, and good conversations, we finally took the opportunity to hang out.  He chatted me up, telling me stories about his work (paid and volunteer), his hair, and his friends.  I told him about my work, my friends, and my family. We laughed for hours and hours.  I enjoyed his presence, very much.
Initially, I was scared.  But, somehow, I reclaimed the comfort we've always shared.
It felt really Good.  Right.  Peaceful.  Exciting. Comfortable.
Let's see how this all plays out...

Matchmaker, Matchmaker...

My friend is determined to make a love connection.  He has created a situation that will require communication between me and his chosen partner.  We are having lunch on Wednesday and I am excited.  I am afraid, however, that I won't intrigue him, that he is married or engaged, that he is gay or bisexual, that he won't be interested.  I am also afraid that all of my baggage - the incomplete relationships, the in/out, the insecurity, the fear - will prevent my ability to actually get to know someone new.
Meanwhile, the lonely keeps talking...keeps me linked to men who don't care about me, who don't respect me, who don't love me.  And I have to figure out how to open myself up to that which is good and eliminate all that is detrimental, eroding, painful...
I don't want anything less than the ultimate.  I want deserve absolute truth, supreme love, unspeakable joy.  And I am ready to give it and live it.  But I remain afraid...