Thankful...

I am grateful for my friends and loved ones for many reasons.  Today, as I consider what kind of friend I have been to others, I must express gratitude for those who:

• call me on my BS when I'm acting out of order;
• push / pull me out of my comfort zone when insecurity would keep me in a place of mediocrity;
• envelope me with gentle affection when I am abusing myself in thought, word, and deed;
• create a space of protection in a solution when my focus is on the danger of the problem;
• encourage me to remember who I am and what I can offer when my focus rests on who I am not and all that is missing.

I am prayerful that I can be that type of friend.  One who acts in honesty, trust, and honor rather than fear, insecurity, and lack.
Regardless of my current situation, it is my intent to live and love in this moment in word and in truth.
Ahhh, that felt good....

Why can't we go back in time...

After weeks of cautious outreach, tentative texts, and good conversations, we finally took the opportunity to hang out.  He chatted me up, telling me stories about his work (paid and volunteer), his hair, and his friends.  I told him about my work, my friends, and my family. We laughed for hours and hours.  I enjoyed his presence, very much.
Initially, I was scared.  But, somehow, I reclaimed the comfort we've always shared.
It felt really Good.  Right.  Peaceful.  Exciting. Comfortable.
Let's see how this all plays out...

Matchmaker, Matchmaker...

My friend is determined to make a love connection.  He has created a situation that will require communication between me and his chosen partner.  We are having lunch on Wednesday and I am excited.  I am afraid, however, that I won't intrigue him, that he is married or engaged, that he is gay or bisexual, that he won't be interested.  I am also afraid that all of my baggage - the incomplete relationships, the in/out, the insecurity, the fear - will prevent my ability to actually get to know someone new.
Meanwhile, the lonely keeps talking...keeps me linked to men who don't care about me, who don't respect me, who don't love me.  And I have to figure out how to open myself up to that which is good and eliminate all that is detrimental, eroding, painful...
I don't want anything less than the ultimate.  I want deserve absolute truth, supreme love, unspeakable joy.  And I am ready to give it and live it.  But I remain afraid...

Manifestation

My body continues to manifest the stress I am carrying.  From back to back cold sores, to a recurring sore throat, to a depigmented spot that has grown on my right cheek, my body is expressing its anger at my retention of the stress, drama, and angst around me.

So, how do I just let it all go and live in the moment?  How do I abandon my desire to control everything knowing that I possess the intelligence and experience necessary to make the right decisions at the right times?

I am coming to the realization that if when I focus on being true to myself in this moment, the drama, stress, and angst tend to fall away.  It is my challenge to maintain the focus and release the control; not only for the physical benefits (read: to fix my face) but for the spiritual strength I desire.

Some say love, it is a river...

While snowed in a couple of weeks ago, I spent some time surfing the OnDemand menu.  I found a Bette Midler special that was broadcast on HBO.  Bette, ever the show woman, gave a hell of a show.  At the halfway point, she sang one of my favorite songs, The Rose. 

I watched.  I listened.  I cried.

Heartbreaking yet inspirational, The Rose has always elicited high emotions within.  I realize that it is the bridge that reminds me that lower than my greatest good will cause me harm.  And just when that realization saddens me, I listen to the conclusion, reminding me that there is hope...that love is possible.

Here are the lyrics, for your enjoyment...

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

An endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

And you, its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It's the dream, afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed

That with the sun's love, in the spring

Becomes the rose

Restriction

I am given away my freedom.
My failure to exercise discipline has resulted in consequences that will correct past behavior.
I am not sad, nor am I angry. 
Over months of fear and apprehension, I have grown to appreciate the lesson learned and anticipate whatever good may come of this...

Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?

I think I am supposed to change.  I am supposed to grow / emerge / evolve.  It is not in my best interest to ignore all that I have experienced and learned to avoid risk and remain safe.

I have, over the past few weeks, stepped out of life-long patterns, and changed.  My changes have been slight, gradual, quiet.  They have been easy and fearless.  These changes feelsoundlooktaste good.

The next task is to determine who I want to be and align my thoughts and conduct with the values consistent with that character.  The changes require focus, courage, and fortitude.  Turns out I am much, much stronger than I thought.

I realize that I have the power to define myself for myself, without consultation or approval.  I shall exercise that power.  It is time to ease myself toward the most perfect me.