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Iron rusts from disuse; water loses its purity from stagnation... even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind. 
Leonardo da Vinci 


I had the flu.  There have been 10 days of rest and recuperation.  I am still not well.  I start this year in less than optimal health, tired of coughing and sneezing and weakened by anemia.

In 7 hours, I will have to get up out of this bed to exercise and then go to work.

I reread this blog earlier this evening and realized that failure to act is a recurring theme in my story.   So, it is time for a change!

My goal for January 2013 is to treat my body like the temple it is.  Here's how I will do so:
(1) I will eat clean foods;
(2) I will move my body;
(3) I will speak lovingly about my body; 
(4) I will share love freely with strong hugs and handshakes.

I'm am excited about all 2013 has to offer!  Time to go for the gusto!!!

RIP...

27 was a fantastic year for me.
I recall 27 as a year full of wonder and excitement.
Hearing that Amy Winehouse is dead, at 27, saddened me.  Clever songwriting and soulful singing...all gone for the past four years and is now gone, forever.

Was it strictly clinical?
Was it fear of her talent and all of the attention that came with it?
Was it just self-medication gone awry?
Or perhaps, some combination of them all...

The voice will live on...So sad that the person behind it fell so short of her potential...

Here's my Amy Winehouse tribute:

You make me feel like I am free again...

I remember hearing love songs -- songs of connection and longing and pain -- and never getting them.  Hearing the beauty of the lyrics or melodies but not feeling them.

Until now.

Now I understand.

He is my first thought when I wake up.
He is my last before I drift off.

He encourages me to be the best I can be AND he calls me out on my bullshit.

He gives me butterflies...

So this time, I'm living in the moment.  I'm not plotting our future or revising our past.  I'm not trying to make him into someone else.

I love him. 

And I am enjoying every single moment with him.  

Every single one.

Where there once was black and white, now its iridescent

It felt so good...being in his space and having him in mine.  So So good.

I felt comfortable and cozy and energized.  I didn't want to go and I didn't want him to leave.  I just wanted to chill with him as long I possibly could.

We had the talk.  He told me how the break up affected him.  I gave him the reasons why I left.  I shared my fears and my concerns at that time.  He told me about the women who came after me.  It wasn't easy but it really wasn't as difficult as I expected.  I wasn't afraid to be honest with him or ashamed to hear the truth.  

OK, it's out.  Now what?

I want to say that I don't want anything but to have him in my life in some way, shape, form but that would be a lie.  Up close, I want to feel that protection, experience that happiness, live in that light all the time.

He leaves in 6 hours for another month.  And he shared that he intends to continue to live his life and pursue his happiness with whomever he desires.  I accept that for now.  But, I am going to enjoy him (via text, phone call, smoke signal...) until he returns...

Where would I be if I didn't know you...

Last night, I had the opportunity to celebrate a milestone birthday with people I haven't seen in a long time.  I realized the importance of connection.  I remembered how much I love these people and how much I have missed them.  I recommitted my desire to be a good friend by getting and staying in touch.

It is difficult since it is my tendency to throw all of my energy into that which is right in front of me.  The lack of self esteem also contributes to the failure to properly maintain my relationships.

So last night, after a good time, I decided to do things differently.  I want to live a life with good and strong relationships.  In order to get that life, I have to nurture my relationships.  I'm ready to show up and do just that.

If you can't love yourself, how in the HELL you gon' love somebody else?

Self love is the foundation of love for others.
I have struggled with an ability to accept, respect, and love myself - primarily because of the way others have treated me.  I have allowed my decisions to be driven by the desires of those around me instead of the achievement of my greatest good.  I have identified a way to overcome the insecurity and the fear to just be myself - a bit much, a little different, next to normal.
But I continue to struggle.  The work continues to challenge me.  And I engage in the work, I remain silent when I should speak.  I suppress myself when I should stand out.
But each day gets a little better.  Each day I grow a bit more.  Each day I press forward.
And the love continues to grow...

Just one of them days...

Boundaries must be established.  The time has come for childish things to be put away...